The Rain Drops

Sitting here alone in my tears this morning I took a moment to stop and pray.

I feel paralyzed by a problem I have going on in my life. I have been physically just Ill dealing with it for four months now and it has exhausted me in every way. 

At what is the happiest time ever in my life I have this gnawing problem that keeps keeping me up at night and waking me in the morning. I am angry because I should be able to enjoy this moment where I am in love with this wonderful man and my son is fed and happy and we are safe and in a new home and filled with happiness but this little unresolved thing over here just keeps controlling my situation. 

I have been sitting here in my car trying to gather the strength to face another day where this problem controls my life and it was pouring the rain and suddenly all I could think is that God knew every single one of these drops of rain on my windshield. He created them and let them go at exactly the right moment and stopped them when exactly the right amount of water had covered His Earth. 

God is in control.

I really do believe with all that I am that God knows my problem. He cares for my pain and he wants better for my life than for me to live with this eating at me. 

This moment I vow to myself that I will let go and trust God and believe that when the exact right amount of water has hit the ground...God WILL stop the rain. 

A few more Christmas updates

Well it's been a few more days of work in the little house on Christmas decorations. 

I made two rag tied garlands. One for the stairs and one for the mantle to match. 

I have a feeling this garland is going to get done over and over throughout the year for different holidays. 

It's hard to get a photo of how warm and wonderful it is but trust me in the room it really makes it feel like Christmas !!

See how harsh the led lights are compared to the old fashioned lights. I am so tempted to remove everything and get rid of the led lights. I hate how blue they look. They are actually clear !!

The little steps display on the new stove looks awesome and my homemade gingerbread sour dough ornaments could not have turned out better. 

There are tons of places online where you can find recipes for that and it's so worth giving a try. I will link HERE to my previous post on that. 

Now off to work on the kitchen decorations...

Do you decorate every room in your house for the holidays ???

It's Starting to look a lot like Christmas 2015

Today I started my Christmas decorating. Yes, I know it's early but I just can't help myself this year ;)

This little country stove find at the flea market this weekend was what caused me to jump in and start the decorating process. It made me so happy because I was looking for something to place in that spot at the bottom of the steps. 

It's a cast iron stove that fit perfect into the space that I had without getting in the way of the path we walk. Did I mention that we love the flea market ?

This is our first year in the little house and I haven't finished so many things. I feel guilty a bit decorating when there is so much actual work that needs finished. 

Bill keeps saying to just enjoy it and live my life and let the feeling of peace have its way and stop fighting it. He is such a wonderful man. 

I don't think I have ever been happier than I am right now. I open my eyes in the morning and I am so excited to be Bills girl and Mikeys mommy. It's the most blessed I have ever felt. Don't get me wrong, I know God was blessing me all along to be healthy and be free and be safe from sickness and so many other things. But Mikey and I have never laughed more than we laugh now in our home and I know that it is because Bill is in our lives. I thank him about ten times a day. I have never enjoyed another person more than this man. 

The living room tree has all my traditional family ornaments and the ones that I have collected since I was an adult. Ones that my sons made and ones that friends and family gave me over the years. Those ornaments are so special to me and I love getting them out yearly and unwrapping them one at a time to discover the memories that go with them. I believe the best gift you can give any person for Christmas is an ornament. It's the one thing they will still have in five years ;)

The dinning room tree is all red and white and green and is covered at the base with one of my favorite little quilts. I found this milk can at the flea market and I am gonna decorate it up somehow for Christmas in the next few days. 

My next project is to do the kitchen and then I will head up the steps to my bedroom and Mikeys room. I have a all white tree planned in my room and a red and blue and green one planned for Mikeys. 

I even found little itty bitty ones for our tiny bathroom ;)

I will be working on lots more Christmas decorating over the next few days so I will have to do a few more posts to cover it all. I wish my job was decorating. I so love it. If I had a redo on life I might would say I wish I decorated other people's homes for a job but I guess I should just be thankful that I enjoy decorating mine for now. 

Tonight I am gonna just sit here and stare at my steps and my little stove while making a rag garland for the fireplace.

I do admit that because I was buying new lights this year I decided to try the LED lights and save 80 % energy over the old lights. But it is taking me a little time to get used to the color of the white lights. Ya know, they are a bit more blue than the old energy hog lights. I guess they grow on me when I think about the savings on the power for nine Christmas trees :) LOL 

(Lots of junk still to store so it all ended up under the tree for now) 

The fireplace is going to be a fun project I think. I am excited to see how it turns out tomorrow. I need to dive back into the basement to gather more supplies and decorations to see what I have to work with and I need to go out tomorrow to gather some pine cones for what I have planned. 

The barrel is something I got at the flea market a while ago and I seem to just drag it out over and over for decorating. 

The larger of these two little trees, (Number three tree of nine I am decorating in the little house this year) is decorated with all the handmade salt dough ornaments I have been making the last few days. 

I think I need a wreath on the little window as well. Okay, yes, when I am finished it may look like Santa threw up but I so want this year in our little house to be the first happy Christmas of many, many more to come over our lives together. 

Want to Win a couple of the handmade salt dough buttons for FREE ? Enter by completing the following...

1. Subscribe to This Blog on the top right side at the subscribe button !!!

2. Follow us on our Pinterest Page

3. Like us on Facebook at You Know You Want That 

4. Leave a comment on this blog post at the bottom of the post saying you met these requirements and you so want those Buttons and that's it....The entry will close for this promotion on Nov 15 so get on over and do the things above and I will draw one random name on Nov 15 to win some of the cool salt dough buttons from those who have met these requirements and I will send them the buttons and post the winners name in the comments on this post and on our Facebook and Pinterest Pages. 

ALSO BE SURE TO CHECK OUT OUR WEB STORE (on the tab at top of the page) FOR COOL PRODUCTS THAT WE MAKE AND SELL !!!

So how many Christmas trees do you put up ? 

Seriously, it was Salt and Flour !!!

The most amazing part of crafting is sometimes when such common items turn into something so different than the ingredients used. This is one of those times. These adorable large country buttons are made from nothing more than salt, flour and a little water. They are hard as a brick and will last for years if stored in a dry environment. I like to store them in a small container that I keep in the dining room in a sideboard where other holiday decorations that are fragile get stored. So they don't get large changes in temperature. I have some that are many years old that we made when my 28 year old son Aaron was a boy. 

To begin with I will tell you that you can make almost any shape you wish with this recipe and decorate your home with small bowls of the items or decorated a seasonal tree like I love to do at our little home. There will be more posts on that for the next year as I attempt to leave my Christmas tree up and redecorate it all year for the new holidays...I know, But I think I can pull it off....

The ingredients in making the salt dough ornaments haven't changed from the millions you will find out there and there is really no need to look for anything to change since it works as it is and has for many generations. You can look at our Pinterest Board on salt dough to get more ideas of ways to make it and use it around your house by clicking here.

I began by dragging the electric mixer over to the center island to use for this just because I have a weak wrist right now and didn't want to kneed the dough by hand. I let it get it sorta mixed together and then finished up by hand on the cutting board.

Mix together either by hand or mixer

1 Cup of All Purpose Flour
1 Cup of Regular Salt (I used the cheap Walmart Brand for .50 cents for a container)
1/2 cup of warm water
(you can add in about a half a spice container of cinnamon if you want them to be scented)



Once you have it to a consistency that is about what is shown here in the photo, not unlike cookie dough in firmness, you will lay a layer of suran wrap down and roll out the dough. I make it a variety of thickness choices just so that I can have different sizes of ornaments.

As it bakes it does not rise (much) so what you have is what you get but it does become harder to dry quickly if you get it very thick.






Before I cut my shapes I like to cover the top with a piece of suran wrap so that when you press the cookie cutter into the dough it sorta rounds off the edges. It just makes it look less like you cut it with a cookie cutter and more like it was handcrafted. I do some both ways so I have a variety.

I have a bunch of choices in cookie cutters that I got from Walmart in the baking isle that came 101 cookie cutters in the box for only about $10.00. You can watch yardsales and thrift shops for good buys on cookie cutters. Hobby Lobby has some great ones that are for the holidays as well. 

You bake them in the over on a low temperature for a couple hours on a regular cookie sheet. I started out with mine on about 250 degrees but went up to 300 on a few thicker batches because I am impatient :) I baked pretty much all day, batch after batch to get this many ready for painting.

(And yes, I know, I have way more remote controls than I care to keep up with, LOL)

These buttons are my favorite of the ones I made today. They literally look like giant buttons. I am putting ribbons and threads and little bows on them now to give them a little extra wonderful. I used stain and rubbed in the cracks and wiped over them once I finished painting them so that they would look like they were old and then finished off by spraying all of them with a coat of spray clear finish. That made them really come to life and keeps the bugs out of them for years to come.

This is a great project for a day when you have a large family gathering. You can bake up several batches of them and then have a decorating party. Maybe a good way to keep the kids busy during Thanksgiving Day.
I used some beads and little things to spiff them up as well. They turned out great and next week when I put up the tree it will be fun to add them to my decorations.
I hope you seen something here that will help you to decide you want to do this craft with your family and hope you enjoyed sharing mine.
Oh, the little snowman below is totally my favorite as he was just what dough I had left over rolled into a rough stick and then painted up with a cute little eyes and a carrot nose and adorned with some gingham fabric. I think I am gonna go back and make an entire bowl of him just to sit around during January which is going to be my snowman decorating month in the new little house. 

Want to Win a couple of the buttons for FREE ? Enter by completing the following 5 items...

1. Subscribe to This Blog on the top right side at the subscribe button !!!

2. Follow us on our Pinterest Page

3. Like us on Facebook at You Know You Want That 

4. Copy the Post Pinned to the top of our Facebook and repost to your  Facebook ! 

5. Leave a comment on this blog post at the bottom of the post saying you met these 5 requirements and you so want those Buttons and that's it....The entry will close for this promotion on Nov 15 so get on over and do the 5 things above and I will draw one random name on Nov 15 to win some of the cool buttons from those who have met these requirements and I will send them the buttons and post the winners name in the comments on this post and on our Facebook and Pinterest Pages. 

ALSO BE SURE TO CHECK OUT OUR WEBSTORE (on the tab at top of the page) FOR COOL PRODUCTS THAT WE MAKE AND SELL !!!

Do you think this would make a fun project for a Birthday Party ? Maybe a cupcake shaped one and each kid gets to take one home with them after they decorate them ? 

#wendyhackney

#youknowyouwantthat

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#saltdough

Who is Wendy & What is this site about...

This is a blog about my life. It will grow over the next few weeks and then will contain normal daily, weekly and monthly contests, give-a-ways and fun things to teach you how to do some of the things that I enjoy. Keep Reading to see what I am giving away today...Absolutely FREE !!!

I am a scrapbooker. I have invented and created products that sold on Home Shopping Network and in Scrapbooking shops around the World. I will be including Scrapbooking in this blog, of course ! I am also making up now some really cool prizes that you can win if you subscribe to the website on the homepage under the subscribe button and like us on facebook and repost the contest. That's a totally cool way to get more of your friends to be our friends and a great way for you to win some really cool stuff, huh :) 

(If you haven't already you can support the websites development by buying a chance on one of the three items pictured on the homepage of this website as well. Who knows...You could win one of the adorable handcrafted items for only $5.00 !!!)

I am a geocacher. (www.geocaching.com) I have found over 16,000 geocaches around the country and am number two in finds in the state of West Virginia. I have a geocaching scavenger hunt trail in my town that I created with a friend called the Hatfield McCoy GeoTrail that has attracted geocachers from around the world and I had an accidental MEGA event in my yard when 518 people showed up to open the trail. This blog will certainly contain geocaching information.

I am a mom. I have two children, both boys. One is 10 and the other is 27. I like to say that I pace myself :) I admit that I am enjoying having the second son more than I did the first. I love them both but it just seems like it's easier the second time around. My body is older but so is my mind and that seems to make it easier for me to deal with the problems and challenges that come with having children. I learn from him daily and look forward to all that the future holds as his mom. This blog will certainly contain information about my life as a mother.

I am Bills Girl. Puddin' :) I know, gross, Right ? (LOL) I am the happiest that I have ever been in a relationship and this man is the best thing that ever happened to me. He has changed my life and made me a better mother, a better person, a better citizen, a better friend and there is nothing I would not do for him. He is my absolute happy place. This blog will absolutely contain random posts about our lives and adventures.

I am a crafter. A normal day in my life will contain some type of crafting activities. It's just part of what and who I am and Bill is as bad as I am at needing to make things with our hands. I love it and I hope to share some "how to" information with each of you so that you can learn to do some of the many crafts that we do in our home.

I am a quilter. Yes, I know, Where does the time come from...

I would need to live several lifetimes to do all the things that I enjoy. Let's just say that there will be lots of information here for most people who live lives and have a home and a family.

I hope you will follow the page and like me on facebook and keep coming back to see what else is going on in our world and we can somehow touch your life so that it's a little better for having shared in ours.

Have a great day and be sure to share the webpage with your friends so that we can build a following. 

Also, be sure to subscribe and like us on facebook. And if you like contests and drawings you will enjoy it here !!!

For those of you who completely read this post...LOL...here is a little something for you to win....

How to Enter to Win the Coin...

1. Subscribe to This Blog on the top right side at the subscribe button !!!

2. Follow us on our Pinterest Page

3. Like us on Facebook at You Know You Want That 

4. Copy the Post Pinned to the top of our Facebook and repost to your  Facebook ! 

5. Leave a comment on this blog post at the bottom of the post saying you met these 5 requirements and you so want that coin and that's it....The entry will close for this promotion on Nov 15 so get on over and do the 5 things above and I will draw one random name on Nov 15 to win the awesome coin from those who have met these requirements and I will send them the coin and post the winners name in the comments on this post and on our Facebook and Pinterest Pages. 

ALSO BE SURE TO CHECK OUT OUR WEBSTORE (on the tab at top of the page) FOR COOL PRODUCTS THAT WE MAKE AND SELL !!!

​

Repost Butterflies Template

While playing with the new

15 Butterflies & Dragonflies template that was recently released by Hot off the Press http://www.paperwishes.com/products/4007352

I came up with this new little butterfly & bird that are made from a couple pieces of paper towel sandwiched between two pieces of fabric.

It can be made with a scrap of paper that matches your page as well. The paper towel can be stacked thicker to make the butterfly or bird thicker and have a more dimensional look on your page. In my samples I have laid down a piece of paper towel and layered it so that it is three thick and then put a piece of fabric that matched my scrapbook page and made a little sandwich out of the five layers.  

For the next step I used the 15  Butterflies & Dragonflies template to draw out a butterfly on the top layer.

I used my sewing machine to very quickly stitch along the outer edge of the butterfly. I dont sew ! So no special sewing skills are needed here ! This doesnt have to be perfect and if you use a matching thread to the fabric it will blend in. In my sample I used a black thread for contrast just so that the camera could pick up on the sewing. I used scissors to snip into the threads as close as I could get without cutting them and then used my paper scraper  http://www.paperwishes.com/products/4000153

to run back and forth along the edge of the butterfly to rough up the paper towel and fray the fabrics. I also ran my Tim Holtz http://www.paperwishes.com/products/7506370000 ink along the edges of the butterfly to give it a prettier edge.

Hot off the Press has a full line of templates that range from circles to butterflies and they are very inexpensive and last you forever ! I posted a video on youtube of making the bird and butterflies so be sure to check them out ! I hope you love it !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Og4IQRC07sU http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=05TAv29hBas

see more of my scrapbook pages and photography at http://www.flickr.com/photos/wendyhackneybaisden/collections/72157622539217870/

#youknowyouwantthat

#youknowyousowantthat

#wendyhackney

#isowantthat

My Scrapbook Spinner Template

It turns out that making a YouTube Video is a little stressful. I have spent the past four days trying to make a little video of how to use the new templates I designed and Hot Off the Press manufactured. Its crazy how many things that I say that I think...huh ? Who said that !? HEHE

I guess everyone sounds different than they think they do ? I know when I hear my voice on camera I almost dont know that its me ? Its very odd to hear my voice ? I mean I hear it in my head when Im talking but it doesnt sound the same as when I hear it played back as a recording.

Anyway, I finally just did it and thought I would forget caring if I sounded funny to me....and just put it up so that you can see how to use the new templates because so many people have asked where they can see it in action.

So check it out and if you need any more help with it just let me know and I will post a part two ! LOL

The template is availiable locally by me and if you want to order one online you can get them at several places I have found on the internet by clicking on them here from the sidebar under places Ive seen my templates for sale. The Hot off the Press website is http://www.paperwishes.com/
See the You tube video of how to use the template at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WoS4nFl5rm0

#wendyhackney
#youknowyouwantthat
#youknowyousowantthat
#isowantthat

I am a blogger again :)

Keep a watch for the new blog to start....I am updating and gathering up great information for you on lots of fun things. Scrapbooking, Geocaching, Quilting, Home decorating, Online Money Making, Organization and More.... #youknowyouwantthat.com #youknowyouwantthat #wendyhackney

She Took a Long Breath and she was gone

Home finally from what seemed to be a very long journey. I don't understand what just happened. I thought if i stood there by her side that i would be able to see the angels come for her but it was not powerful in any way. She took a long breath and pushed it from her body and she was gone. I found myself holding mama without the ability to let go. It seemed like it was taking forever with the uncertainty of when ? But at four on Sunday I had them take everything off of her and place the pain pump on her and she died at 1:34 am. Her last words came days ago when she said I love you to my daddy. She has uttered words since but the last clear words she spoke were I love you to her boy. Her life can be summed up in those words. She lived 80+ years and the last 12 of those we were lucky, no...blessed to have her be part of our lives. The past 15 hours with her gave me one last burst of strength from the woman that gave birth to the most important man in my life. My daddy it turns out is not only the best daddy ever, second only to mike Baisden who is without a doubt the best father I have ever known, but my daddy is by far the best son I have ever known, second only to the son of god. I'm tired now...

 — at Linkous House Bed & Breakfast.

My Mama Chris

She is stubborn and determined and beautiful and tired from her journey. She has the most beautiful skin I have ever seen on a woman. At 80+ years of age she is still a pretty thing to look at. Her hair is silver and her fingernails are perfect. The index finger on her right hand is so bent from use that it looks like the back leg of a puppy. I pray I never forget that crooked finger. 

She didn't raise my daddy. But she gave life to him. The 80 some odd years she has lived on this Earth she has never known the intimacy and true touch of a "loved one" until she met her boy. Some 50 years after having given birth to him she came back and gave him life !

I guess I look at her and my daddy like a fairy tale. They are so in love with one another. Not even the normal love of a mother and child who are always together but a love born into him and thru her so strong that it searched out the other for nearly 60 years until they found one another again.

I love my daddy the way that they love each other. She opens her eyes and she is helpless. Her body has done all that it came into the world to do. Her breathing is labored and short and today she had another stroke and seizures and physically she can't do much more. It's been a hard day for her. I'd almost say the hardest of her life but I know that the hardest day was the day that she had to give my daddy, her boy away all those years ago.

I don't know a lot about what her life was before but I do know with confidence that the last 12 years that she has lived in my daddy's house have been the happiest years of her life. 


She opens her beautiful eyes now...she...her....the person who lives inside the weak and fragile body that is on the outside....my Mama Chris peeks out those eyes and with what energy she has left she sees the doctors and nurses and me even and there is an empty look on her face that only changes at the moment that my father, her baby boy, comes into her line of sight.

Right at that moment you see more than a body laying there. You see her soul. You see Love. Love in its purest form. Love so deep that I believe she won't let go. She is holding on for one more kiss and one more "I love you, momma".

There are not droves of people to line the streets of belfry when she dies. I'm not sure we will have more than a single night at the funeral home or possibly in my home to honor her life she knows so few people. I reach my hand in to hold hers to satisfy my need to touch her and my need to feel comfort but I know that she is so not used to the touch of a hand beyond the hand of my daddy's love for her that it almost feels as if she can't understand why I am holding onto her.

I can hardly contain the buckets of tears when my daddy holds her and cries while thanking her for coming to live with him 12 years ago. Telling her, trying to tell her how much he loves her.

I am setting here wishing she would go on into the next place. Why ? Why doesn't she close her eyes and let go ? But I know that the reason is the very statement that I said at the start....she is stubborn and determined !!!! And beautiful !!!

And I will forever be her stubborn and determined granddaughter !

Another day with my daddy

Tonight as I walked out of the home that I was raised in I stopped to close the gate. The silhouette in the window was my daddy setting in his chair. I took a moment to watch the lights inside shine bright and ponder on his breath and the pounding of his heart. I could almost hear it from the driveway thru the walls of the house and down the path that he had shoveled only two days before when he had the heart attack.

It is no secret that I am a Daddy's girl. If you know me at all you know that I am. I can hardly make it thru a conversation with anyone about anything that I don't mention it. LOL

Two days ago the phone rang and the call sent me into panic. Your daddy had a heart attack. Those words didn't really register. What ? My daddy ? Panic !!! Fear !!! Terror !!! A Heart Attack ???




Since I was a little girl there has never been anything or anyone that I looked at with more love and respect and worship than I do my father. He has impressed on me a sense of everything that I consider in a man.

My father is strong. My father is brave. My father is Beautiful. My father is funny. My father is flirty. My father is Talented. My father is Handy. My father is Stubborn. My father is Determined. My father is so many things....

When my toilets break and I find myself with a wrench in my hand and I fix it I know that I am able because I am my fathers daughter. When I look at something and I need to repair it I look at it through my daddy's eyes and I figure it out because I have spent my whole life under his feet watching him and learning from him and I am handy because of him.

I have looked up the side of a mountain and known that It was more than I was able to climb and I went on  the journey anyway because I needed to stand at the top and look down and know that I can do anything I set my mind to because I am John Hackney's girl.

My daddy said to me at the hospital over and over again that I needed to go home. There is no need in me setting here doing nothing but looking at him he would say. My answer would be, Yes there is. I won't ever regret the minutes I spent with you. I will only regret the moments with you that I missed.

When I was a child my daddy was tough. He wasn't a perfect father. He worked more than he should have and he  made loads of mistakes. I never saw those. I just saw my daddy. The world. The Universe.

What will my life be when he is gone ? How will I survive ?

I stopped at the gate and I looked back at the house and I saw him there in the window where he belonged and I couldn't help but look to the sky and stand still in the cold brisk night and speak aloud a thank you to God. To the creator of this wonderful man. A thank you for the sound of his beating heart. A plea made once again for just another day with my daddy.

This hankie was given to me the day that I was baptized. Chuck May handed it to me as I walked into the creek at the mouth of Meathouse on March 29th, 1996.

It was carried by Gary when he was baptized September 27, 1996 and by our son Aaron when he was baptized on July 12, 1998.

My brother Dee carried it into the water when he was baptized on Jan 2, 2000 and My brother Tatar carried it into the water when he was baptized on April 30, 2000.

Gary carried it April 18, 1999 when he preached his first message and the night that Canada FWB Church voted to send him to be ordained November 18, 2000 he carried it and on his Ordination Day December 9, 2000.

Many Many times I had it anointed with oil and prayed over and carried it with me to the altar to beg God for the salvation of my daddy. I marked a spot on it and claimed in my mind that someday I would place it into Dads hands and he would carry it with him into the water to be baptized by Gary and Dee.

That is a dream that I still pray for. This hankie is certainly one of my most loved possessions and is kept in a fire safe where I hope to someday place it in the hands of my brothers children and Mikey for major events in their lives. I carried it the day that Aaron was married June 4, 2011.

The most remarkable thing about the hankie is that It was brand new when Chuck handed it to me. I will never forget him saying to me "Its a new one, I promise" Chuck has since passed away and I know the world is worse off because he is not in it :(

The wear that you see on the edges and the hole that you see in the folds and all of the tatter on it is not from 12 years of time. The moment that I climbed out of the water with it in my hands it looked that way. One might say that it sounds untrue but it is the case. It went in whole and new and came out this way. I need to have it framed flat and placed in the safe but only after I get to sign my Daddy's name to it the day that he is baptized.

My Sons Wedding Day

Today I am filled with Pride. It is the day that My Baby Boy will become a Husband. Eighteen words into the thought and my face is covered in tears.

The day that he was born my life changed. I have so many regrets and I look at his precious face today and I see nearly a mirror image of myself. He is MY SON. MY BABY BOY. He is MY HEART. I am forever addicted to him.

I was 18 and pregnant with him. I was married to a man at the time that I loved more than I have ever loved anything.

I will never forget the moment that my water broke. He was born on Jan 13th 1989 at about ten in the morning. I had gone in labor the night before and had not taken anything for pain because I was stubborn. I wanted so bad to see his body come from me and draw in the first breath of air and at the time as the child that I was I thought that I could watch every breath after.

(aaron & gary at my brother's wedding)

I had 21 hours of labor. I refused to take so much as a tylenol. I will never forget those hours. I will never forget Gary and his care during that time. It seemed to me looking back that there was no one there but us. He changed my bed. He held my hand and WE, the both of us, somehow magically made our way thru the night together. The Dr walked into the room and said, He is breach. We will do a C-Section. My heart sank and I knew that I was going to miss the moment his life would begin.

Later when I was still drugged, Gary laid my boy upon me and he took photos of him in my arms. I cherish those photos.

My life has not turned out how I thought that it would that day. His daddy and I divorced 17 years later. I will go to my grave with a respect and love for him because he is half of my baby boy. He is Half of what Aaron is. That deserves, No, It demands respect.

(me pregnant with aaron and with mikey)

I say to myself some days "what if" and the question has no answer. It only begs another question.

 I find myself setting here looking at the few photos that I managed to snag last night at practice for the wedding and I realize that this man that is standing before me has grown up OVER NIGHT ! It was yesterday when they laid him in my arms. Where did the time go ?

The little girl that he will marry today is so very young. I love her. I love that when I look across the room at her she looks at him the way I looked him the first time they laid him in my arms. I see that look and it makes me so happy.

I know that they are young. I know that life doesnt always end up like we want it too. I know that life is hard and we make mistakes and we wake up one day and look back and have regrets. I want to as his mother be able to spare him any of those lessons but I know that I cant. He must have his own life and he must enjoy and even have regret.

I watched Mikey last night running crazy and talking when he should have been still. I was upset with him. Im sure that today at the wedding he will do the same. I kept trying to stop him and say, "Mikey today is about bubby. Please you have to behave today." Crying on my way home in the jeep I kept thinking to myself that I will blink and it will be the day that Mikey is standing there with his wife. Life is so fast.

 

I know that I will cry today. Wait, I already am. LOL I know that I will steal away moments in my heart that I will record in my memory that I will never forget. And on days when I feel like I have failed I will drag those memories out in my mind and I will savor them.

My gift for her was meant to be a scrapbook of pages that over his life I have done. It is one of the hardest things for me to part with my photos. I find that my memory is not what it once was. I need those photos to look at on days and nights when I cant bring it up in my brain as clear as I want. I can hold them in my hands and relive the moments.

I pray today that God will swallow the two of them up in his love and guide them to never make the mistakes that I have made. I pray that one day they lay my grandchild in my arms and I have a chance to spoil it with my love. I pray that I can be to their child a better grandmother than I ever was mother to Aaron. I pray that he knows that I would lay down right now and have them draw the blood from my body and give it to him to save him if only for a day.

I pray that at some point during the day he looks across the room and he sees me there and he knows that I, his mother, LOVE him more than I am capable of telling him.

I love you Jacob Aaron. I love you ! I love you forever ! You will always be MY baby boy !

I will Never be ready to lose my Daddy !

Tonight I am thinking of my daddy. I know that many times before I have said how much that this man means to me. But I need to say to him, to the universe, even to God  exactly how important he is in my life.

I plead with God for his life. Please keep him safe. Please do not take him yet. Please let me have another day with him.

There are always relationships in your life where you look back and say "I wish"  I say, "I wish I had not hurt my son Aaron & his father by leaving them". I say, "I wish I had been closer to my mama Alley".

I know that we all feel regrets in our lives in relationships.

But on the worst day with my daddy. The days where we stood toe to toe and told each other in no uncertain terms how mad we were at each other. The days when I wanted to just smack him and he wanted to smack me. Even on those days, I have NO REGRETS.  I know that Someday later, much later, many many, many, many, many years from now when I lose him, I wont regret my life as his daughter.

I know that at times when he is afraid and at times when he has a moment of weakness or pain or when he does not know what to do that I am who he will call. I am forever his girl. Forever my wonderful daddys baby girl. Nothing or no time or no distance or no single thing will or can ever change that when I stand beside him I am a child. I am his daughter. John Hackney's girl.

I hear the words as I type them and I can only hope that in my lifetime someone loves me the way that I love my daddy.

John Hackney is the most stubborn, most hard headed, most determined, most driven, most obtuse man that I have ever known. You can not tell him anything. He wont listen. LOL

He served in the Army during Vietnam and that service made me the proud American that I am today. I once stood at the Vietnam Veterans Wall and sobbed for those gone but praise God for my daddys life being saved so that I could have him.
During the time in the Army dad had hemorrhagic fever and at the time you just didnt live thru that. He was in a coma for over 100 days. Other than that, I dont know of many times in my life where dad had more than a cold. He has had a few accidents but to be sick, in my 41 years this was the first time that he said, I am sick and I need to go to the Hospital. It was somewhat of a shock to me.

I am so proud of him for that service. He gets up every day and he tends to his mother who has been ill for several years now and he scoops her up and does things for her that No Son should be asked to do. But he does them. In the room with him tonight when the doctor came in I stepped out for his exam and I couldnt help but to think that he has been so good to take on his mom and her care. If he were a daughter Id understand it better. But for a Son, A boy, it amazes me to see him nurse her. He is as tender hearted and loving as a man could ever be and so dang tough and Obstinate and Stubborn at the same time !

He is 64 years old and for as long as I live in my mind he will be 47. I close my eyes and I see his physical appearance and it is of a man that is only 6 years older than I am today. I am not ready for him to be 64. I am not prepared for him to grow old.

I know that I am not special. I know that I have pain and heartache in my life like others will but I just can not consider losing him.

Setting in Starters with Mikey & Mike and the cell phone rang. The some odd 20 miles between me & the voice of my tearful daddy seemed to be 100 miles instead. It took me only 8 minutes to drive that 20 miles to get to him and wrap my arms around his neck and squeeze him so hard. I RAN from the building leaving Mikey & Mike set with no way home but to walk ! I know it sounds horrible but I just lept from my chair and forgot to even say to them anything. As I ran crying down the street in Williamson to my car I grabbed my telephone and called back to Mike to say, Im sorry, I have to go, My daddy needs me !!!

 (dont worry they both know I love them but a daddys girl is always a daddys girl)

He is okay. He is okay. The trip from the head of pond creek to the Pikeville Methodist Hospital was one where I came to the realiziation that things have changed for me and my daddy.

Every moment that I have lived I tilted my head back and looked up at him standing there and I felt a sense of joy at the sight of him. A sense of honor to say, Im John Hackneys kid. He is the smartest man I have ever known. He is why I am and Tatar & Dee are such hard workers. He is why we are so determined.

But tonight driving like a "bat out of hell" as the expression goes toward "home" to "my daddys house" to get to him it hit me that I will NEVER be ready for him to be gone.

All of my life I felt safe in his arms. If I had pain he was there. If I had joy he shared it. If I had a need he met it. The joy is in that I know that as he grows old I will get to be the safe place for him. I will feel his pain with him. I will share his life and if he has a need I pray that
 I will be there to meet it.

I will never be ready to lose him !!!