Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I will Never be ready to lose my Daddy !

Tonight I am thinking of my daddy. I know that many times before I have said how much that this man means to me. But I need to say to him, to the universe, even to God  exactly how important he is in my life.

I plead with God for his life. Please keep him safe. Please do not take him yet. Please let me have another day with him.

There are always relationships in your life where you look back and say "I wish"  I say, "I wish I had not hurt my son Aaron & his father by leaving them". I say, "I wish I had been closer to my mama Alley".

I know that we all feel regrets in our lives in relationships.

But on the worst day with my daddy. The days where we stood toe to toe and told each other in no uncertain terms how mad we were at each other. The days when I wanted to just smack him and he wanted to smack me. Even on those days, I have NO REGRETS.  I know that Someday later, much later, many many, many, many, many years from now when I lose him, I wont regret my life as his daughter.

I know that at times when he is afraid and at times when he has a moment of weakness or pain or when he does not know what to do that I am who he will call. I am forever his girl. Forever my wonderful daddys baby girl. Nothing or no time or no distance or no single thing will or can ever change that when I stand beside him I am a child. I am his daughter. John Hackney's girl.

I hear the words as I type them and I can only hope that in my lifetime someone loves me the way that I love my daddy.

John Hackney is the most stubborn, most hard headed, most determined, most driven, most obtuse man that I have ever known. You can not tell him anything. He wont listen. LOL

He served in the Army during Vietnam and that service made me the proud American that I am today. I once stood at the Vietnam Veterans Wall and sobbed for those gone but praise God for my daddys life being saved so that I could have him.
During the time in the Army dad had hemorrhagic fever and at the time you just didnt live thru that. He was in a coma for over 100 days. Other than that, I dont know of many times in my life where dad had more than a cold. He has had a few accidents but to be sick, in my 41 years this was the first time that he said, I am sick and I need to go to the Hospital. It was somewhat of a shock to me.

I am so proud of him for that service. He gets up every day and he tends to his mother who has been ill for several years now and he scoops her up and does things for her that No Son should be asked to do. But he does them. In the room with him tonight when the doctor came in I stepped out for his exam and I couldnt help but to think that he has been so good to take on his mom and her care. If he were a daughter Id understand it better. But for a Son, A boy, it amazes me to see him nurse her. He is as tender hearted and loving as a man could ever be and so dang tough and Obstinate and Stubborn at the same time !

He is 64 years old and for as long as I live in my mind he will be 47. I close my eyes and I see his physical appearance and it is of a man that is only 6 years older than I am today. I am not ready for him to be 64. I am not prepared for him to grow old.

I know that I am not special. I know that I have pain and heartache in my life like others will but I just can not consider losing him.

Setting in Starters with Mikey & Mike and the cell phone rang. The some odd 20 miles between me & the voice of my tearful daddy seemed to be 100 miles instead. It took me only 8 minutes to drive that 20 miles to get to him and wrap my arms around his neck and squeeze him so hard. I RAN from the building leaving Mikey & Mike set with no way home but to walk ! I know it sounds horrible but I just lept from my chair and forgot to even say to them anything. As I ran crying down the street in Williamson to my car I grabbed my telephone and called back to Mike to say, Im sorry, I have to go, My daddy needs me !!!
 (dont worry they both know I love them but a daddys girl is always a daddys girl)

He is okay. He is okay. The trip from the head of pond creek to the Pikeville Methodist Hospital was one where I came to the realiziation that things have changed for me and my daddy.

Every moment that I have lived I tilted my head back and looked up at him standing there and I felt a sense of joy at the sight of him. A sense of honor to say, Im John Hackneys kid. He is the smartest man I have ever known. He is why I am and Tatar & Dee are such hard workers. He is why we are so determined.
But tonight driving like a "bat out of hell" as the expression goes toward "home" to "my daddys house" to get to him it hit me that I will NEVER be ready for him to be gone.

All of my life I felt safe in his arms. If I had pain he was there. If I had joy he shared it. If I had a need he met it. The joy is in that I know that as he grows old I will get to be the safe place for him. I will feel his pain with him. I will share his life and if he has a need I pray that
 I will be there to meet it.

I will never be ready to lose him !!!
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