Saturday, June 4, 2011

My Sons Wedding Day

Today I am filled with Pride. It is the day that My Baby Boy will become a Husband. Eighteen words into the thought and my face is covered in tears.

The day that he was born my life changed. I have so many regrets and I look at his precious face today and I see nearly a mirror image of myself. He is MY SON. MY BABY BOY. He is MY HEART. I am forever addicted to him.

I was 18 and pregnant with him. I was married to a man at the time that I loved more than I have ever loved anything.
I will never forget the moment that my water broke. He was born on Jan 13th 1989 at about ten in the morning. I had gone in labor the night before and had not taken anything for pain because I was stubborn. I wanted so bad to see his body come from me and draw in the first breath of air and at the time as the child that I was I thought that I could watch every breath after.

(aaron & gary at my brother's wedding)

I had 21 hours of labor. I refused to take so much as a tylenol. I will never forget those hours. I will never forget Gary and his care during that time. It seemed to me looking back that there was no one there but us. He changed my bed. He held my hand and WE, the both of us, somehow magically made our way thru the night together. The Dr walked into the room and said, He is breach. We will do a C-Section. My heart sank and I knew that I was going to miss the moment his life would begin.

Later when I was still drugged, Gary laid my boy upon me and he took photos of him in my arms. I cherish those photos.

My life has not turned out how I thought that it would that day. His daddy and I divorced 17 years later. I will go to my grave with a respect and love for him because he is half of my baby boy. He is Half of what Aaron is. That deserves, No, It demands respect.

(me pregnant with aaron and with mikey)

I say to myself some days "what if" and the question has no answer. It only begs another question.

 I find myself setting here looking at the few photos that I managed to snag last night at practice for the wedding and I realize that this man that is standing before me has grown up OVER NIGHT ! It was yesterday when they laid him in my arms. Where did the time go ?

The little girl that he will marry today is so very young. I love her. I love that when I look across the room at her she looks at him the way I looked him the first time they laid him in my arms. I see that look and it makes me so happy.

I know that they are young. I know that life doesnt always end up like we want it too. I know that life is hard and we make mistakes and we wake up one day and look back and have regrets. I want to as his mother be able to spare him any of those lessons but I know that I cant. He must have his own life and he must enjoy and even have regret.

I watched Mikey last night running crazy and talking when he should have been still. I was upset with him. Im sure that today at the wedding he will do the same. I kept trying to stop him and say, "Mikey today is about bubby. Please you have to behave today." Crying on my way home in the jeep I kept thinking to myself that I will blink and it will be the day that Mikey is standing there with his wife. Life is so fast.

I know that I will cry today. Wait, I already am. LOL I know that I will steal away moments in my heart that I will record in my memory that I will never forget. And on days when I feel like I have failed I will drag those memories out in my mind and I will savor them.

My gift for her was meant to be a scrapbook of pages that over his life I have done. It is one of the hardest things for me to part with my photos. I find that my memory is not what it once was. I need those photos to look at on days and nights when I cant bring it up in my brain as clear as I want. I can hold them in my hands and relive the moments.

I pray today that God will swallow the two of them up in his love and guide them to never make the mistakes that I have made. I pray that one day they lay my grandchild in my arms and I have a chance to spoil it with my love. I pray that I can be to their child a better grandmother than I ever was mother to Aaron. I pray that he knows that I would lay down right now and have them draw the blood from my body and give it to him to save him if only for a day.

I pray that at some point during the day he looks across the room and he sees me there and he knows that I, his mother, LOVE him more than I am capable of telling him.

I love you Jacob Aaron. I love you ! I love you forever ! You will always be MY baby boy !
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